


There's no Face in this face

by DrimmsyDra



Category: The A-Team (2010), The A-Team (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 05:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19864357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrimmsyDra/pseuds/DrimmsyDra
Summary: There is something wrong with Face, and Murdock has to cope with the fact that his best friend is no longer what he used to be.





	There's no Face in this face

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Spot_On60](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spot_On60/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Rainbow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12343278) by [Spot_On60](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spot_On60/pseuds/Spot_On60). 



> If you haven't read Rainbow and plan to do it, read it before my story.  
> If you don't have time to read it right now, you're warned - the following text contains spoilers!
> 
> I touched on these episodes slightly:  
> The Sound of Thunder, Alive at Five, Mind Games and Bounty
> 
> Oh, and one more notice: there is a relationship between Hannibal and Face, but I didn't write this as a slash story. I just followed Spot_On60, and their relationship is only mentioned there, it's not graphically described and it's not the main topic either.

_"There are other worlds than these" - Stephen King, The Gunslinger_

It hurt to see Faceman like this. So disoriented. So lost. So frightened.

Hannibal was holding him in his arms on the floor in the back of our van and whispering something into his ear but I wasn't sure if Face could really hear him. If the soft words had the power to penetrate through the dense veil of terror covering Face's mind.

When I turned my head forward, I could see BA's face in the rearview mirror, his eyes glowing with concern. They glanced into the back space every sixty seconds. Big Guy was worried too. Who wouldn't be, huh?

We were on the mission and this case didn't look so difficult. But today was exactly the day when Hannibal's plan wasn't coming together very well and we found ourselves running under the rain of bullets having some slimeballs on our tail.

I saw Faceman peeking from the tree crown covering our escape with his own bullet storm. Hannibal yelled at him to get the van, so he jumped down from the tree to the high stone wall and ran along the narrow edge. He was closer to the vehicle than BA, who wildly shot at our enemies from the opposite side. But suddenly, Face disappeared. He didn't jump off the wall, he fell like an overripe pear. His scream cut through the rifle bark and I heard my own voice screaming back at him.

Scared to death, I rushed to him with Hannibal close on my heels. The Colonel was covering my back because my rational thinking and army drill took a vacation.

I didn't really know how we all got into the van. My head was filled with the vision of Face shot down as a game bird and my action switched to its own automatic mode.

Fortunately, Face wasn't shot. He wasn't even injured except for a few scratches. No bullet hole, no broken bone, no sprained ankle. I could bet he wasn't even aware that he had fallen from somewhere. It seemed like he didn't know where he was and why.

First five minutes, he was catatonic. He stared blindly through us, not speaking or listening to our attempts to talk to him.

When Hannibal was finishing the quick body examination, Face's eyes flickered and rolled into the present. They focused on Colonel and Face started screaming at him. He was screaming at all of us while he tried to crawl away, the body paralyzed by shock. He almost wounded himself before Hannibal managed to grab him and pin him to the floor.

I wanted to cry over the expression that literally yelled from his face as his voice fell silent. He was terrified, apparently he didn't recognize us. Without knowing where he was, who we were and who he was, he trembled under Hannibal's hands waiting for what that bunch of aliens was going to do with him.

Something similar had happened a couple of times during the years but it had never been so serious and scary like now. Or I didn't remember. Maybe I didn't want to remember. My mind had its own mind and I didn't get permission to browse some of the files saved there.

Finally, Hannibal soothed him enough and Face allowed himself being hugged. He was laying almost calmly in Colonel's arms now, however his eyes were still lost and desperate and the body was shivering.

Why was this happening? Or what exactly was going on? I didn't understand this. I was just watching my best friend losing it, being extremely confused and scared. And I had to ask myself if this was my pretty bad dream, or I was inside Face's nightmare, or who was really insane here? Maybe I should give him some of my pills. Or I shouldn't have forgotten to take them in the morning. Or did I take too many of them? I didn't know. Didn't know anything at all. As same as Face.

***

_Don't scream. Just don't scream again._ I kept repeating myself.

I was sitting in the corner of my bedroom, trembling and clutching my blanket as if it was a lifeline holding me with its last fiber in a slippery reality.

"Are you okay?" Face's soft voice interrupted my inner mantra.

No! If I were okay, my scream wouldn't have woken the whole house. I knew they were all awake, even if only Face came to me. He always did when I had a bad night. When I was drowning in my nightmares. And I loved him for that. But this time, I'd rather someone else come. Because Face scared me. Sky Lord help me, but it was true.

"Murdock?" When he got no answer, he reached out to me. I jerked away.

"I'm alright, Faceman. Just a bad dream."

He nodded and sat down beside me. Close, but not enough to let our bodies rub against each other. He understood - no touches. I lowered my gaze to my lap. I felt he was looking at me carefully but I refused to look into his eyes. I was afraid to do it. Didn't want to see what I had already seen a few times. Didn't want to find the bright blue eyes where were supposed to be the grey-blue. Well, they could be blue sometimes. But it was a different shade of blue. Darker. Like the distant ocean or the summer sky before the rain. And from time to time, it was deep and gloomy blue. Depends on Face's spirit. But never pure and bright blue, neither on a nice sunny day, nor in his most cheerful mood.

"You wanna tell me about the dream?" He asked, though he knew the answer. He always offered me the comfort of unburdening of my bad dreams but he had his nightmares himself and knew that none of us really wanted to talk about them. We all knew them very well. Been through them countless times – the dreams and the reality that had preceded them. They might be different but the content of those nightmares was always the same. War. Torture. Despair. Death. Face knew my dreams because he was dreaming them himself. But not this time. This dream was completely different and probably more frightening than the usual ones. This one was about him. About the loss of his soul, his real persona.

So I shook my head and he nodded again, asking another question from the overplayed script.

"You want me to stay here?"

No. Yes. Don't know. I wanted him here. But I wanted HIM and I wasn't sure who was 'him' right now.

I really didn't remember when this shit started. My farthest memory went to Vietnam, to the POW camp. But I didn't want to go back there and I was still not sure if I actually saw something weird or it was just a play of my skidding mind. But there had been more odd moments during the years. Those moments when Faceman didn't look like Faceman. Or he did look like him but there was something strange under his surface. His expression, acting, gestures and speaking manner… oh yes, I was aware that he never showed his real self. He could show some pieces intentionally or unconsciously, but almost every time there was a mask and camouflage net on him and we probably never get a chance to see true and complete Templeton Peck. Hannibal was closest to his real core, but I was sure even the Colonel didn't know all Face's parts.

It's like digging out the dinosaur bones. Here's one, there's another… you find more and more pieces and build a skeleton with them. Some parts are still missing - they were destroyed in the days of yore, lost or taken away, but you can see that you have a beautiful majestic Parasaurolophus in front of you. But suddenly some new bones begin to appear in blank places. But they are different. From Corythosaurus, you guess. A very similar type but not exactly the same. You work with the new bones because they are here and you can't ignore them and suddenly, they form a brand new species of dinosaur. The wrong one. Because this species shouldn't exist. But it's too late, it's here and you can't take it back. And now I'm afraid we finally might have a crossbreed of Tyrannosaurus and Velociraptor.

Nah, Face would never be so dangerous. But something really wrong had been happening. I could watch Face's mind become replaced by another one more and more often. Yeah, that was how I would describe it, it exactly looked like that. Did Face have a multiple personality disorder? I had spent enough time in the psych ward to see various cases of this disorder and some others too. But none of them had scared me like this. During those strange moments I literally felt Face was disappearing. His body was here but his mind was… where? _Where do you go, Faceguy?_

I caught sight of motion in the doorway. I didn't have to look there, I knew the shadow belonged to Hannibal. He raised his eyebrows a little, and I was sure Face responded to him with a silent shake and a nod of his head. _Everything's fine, under control. Go back to our bedroom, I'll come as soon as I can._

I sighed. Face's place was in another room. Next to someone else. I should go back to my bed so he could leave.

But I didn't do it. Didn't want to sleep. Sleeping would mean dreaming, and in those dreams there was that strange Faceman waiting for me. He scared me. He wasn't evil, no. He was nice, charming, even calmer than our Face. He didn't complain so much. But he was a stranger. I didn't know him and I didn't want to. He shouldn't be here, didn't belong here. And I definitely didn't want to have him in my dreams. Because the dreams seemed incredibly real.

"How about a glass of chocolate milk?" Face suggested trying to lighten the atmosphere.

_No_ was the first answer that came to my mind. But then I thought about it a little. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. My grandma had always brought me a glass of warm milk when I had woken up from nightmares like a little boy. But later… I would be lying if I said I liked milk. Although the chocolate milk didn't sound so bad.

"I think we still have some cookies. So what do you think?" He was persistent. He had always been.

"Hmm…"

"Come on, buddy. I'm buying."

He stood up and held out his hand. I hesitated for a moment before I took it and let myself pulled to my feet.

"Let's get rid of all the nightmares," he said slapping me on my back and with his hand around my shoulder he led me to the kitchen.

Good. Maybe it was all just a bad dream. There were days when I still couldn't trust my mind and this could be one of them.

***

I rubbed my eyes and squinted at the road sign through the windshield.

"Next exit, Hannibal," I said. The Colonel only nodded focused on driving. His shift was coming to an end and he was tired. So was I, but I didn't have to concentrate so much. With occasional glance into the map or outside the van, I was swinging somewhere between a slumber and a half-sleep.

A growl in my belly pointed out that it was the very early morning, and the dinner was long time ago. As Hannibal turned off the highway, I put the map in the glove compartment and stretched my stiff body as far as I could inside the car. Breakfast was within reach.

I looked into the back of the van. Face was curled up on his seat, his one leg stretched out into free space. BA snored on the mattress spread out on the back floor. We were driving all night, heading back to California. Always two men up and two resting, but it was definitely time for a break for all of us.

I could already see a neon banner glowing into the fading dark. Another diner with greasy food and strong coffee was waiting for us. I almost smelled scrambled eggs and crispy bacon.

"You think, he'll eat today?" I asked pointing to sleeping Face.

"I don't know." Hannibal shrugged his shoulders. "Hope he will. He hasn't been eating for nearly two days."

"You should order him."

"I can't order him to eat, Murdock. I'm his CO, not his father."

"But you're also his lover," I pointed out.

"That doesn't give me the right to feed him," he shook his head and I chuckled.

"Could be. Ya know, some erotic games with the strawberries and the whipped cream…"

"Don't go there, Captain," his voice warned me to move away from this topic and he gave me a quick look before he turned to the parking lot. Even after all those years, Hannibal still felt uncomfortable when someone brought up his relationship with Face. I could understand if it happened among strangers, but none of us would have ever talk about it in a public place. So why be shy among us? Okay, BA had a little problem with it, but I was open to anything. Always thought that the world needed more love, no matter who loved whom.

Hannibal turned off the engine, but didn't move out of his seat. He stared into the rearview mirror watching sleeping Face.

"You know something's wrong with him, don't you?" I said softly.

"Yeah, I know."

"What will you do about it?"

"And what do you think I should do?" he asked sharply. Then, he sighed and shook his head. "If I knew what's wrong, I'd do something about it. But I don't know. Sometimes, he is… different."

That was true.

"You know, I was thinking. Could it have anything to do with the concussion he suffered in 'Nam?" I suggested. We all wore many scars from Vietnam, some good visible, some hidden. And the invisible ones were the most dangerous. I knew it very well.

"Maybe."

"I tried to talk to him about it, but he…" I paused to look for the right words. Hannibal questioningly raised the eyebrows. "He told me something I don't wanna repeat. It wasn't nice."

"I can imagine. I just hope he is-"

"Hannibal?" A low voice came from behind. Speak of the devil…

"Yeah, kid?"

"Why did we stop? Something's wrong?" His sleepy face appeared between us, eyes still squinting, hair only slightly ruffled. I never understood how he could keep his perfect hairstyle even in his sleep.

"It's time for a proper English breakfast, sir," I said with a weak British accent. He raised his head and looked hopefully out the windshield. His expression was dropped immediately as he saw the ordinary diner.

"Any chance for something more… uhm… something better?" he asked.

"Not now, kid. Sorry."

"In that case, I'm not hungry."

"You are. Your stomach's roarin', I can't sleep," BA grumbled from behind.

"That was your nose, Big Guy. You snored," I called at him teasingly.

Two angry eyes flashed from the dark. "Shut up, fool. And you," BA pointed at Face, "gonna go with us, or I'll drag you there. An' wanna see you eat, you understand?"

Face mumbled something, but I didn't catch the words.

"Go!" BA thundered pulling the door open and pushed the smaller man out of the van. Face was still trying to protest, but was led by a strong hand toward the diner.

Again, I stretched my muscles and also got out. Hannibal still didn't move.

"Colonel?" I said uncertainly, seeing his distant look fixed on the door that had swallowed his lieutenant and sergeant.

"You know, sometimes you get what you didn't ask for and you have to go with it." Hannibal paused. His voice was quiet, thoughtful. When he continued, I wasn't sure he was talking to me or just to himself. "It doesn't matter how he's acting. It's still Face. And we all know he's always trying to play something on us. It's a part of him. But it will always be my kid."

He whispered the last sentence so faintly that I almost didn't hear it. And I wasn't sure how to take it. Was it a statement? Or was he assuring himself? I never talked to him about it anymore.

***

Damn it! The pain was killing me. The adrenaline rushing through my blood system and also the excitement deadened the pain a little bit but still, I could feel a hot knife biting into my shoulder every time I moved the collective pitch control.

_You can't pass out, muchacho or this baby will go straight down,_ I repeated to myself. _You were in worse situations in this damn country so stay awake, okay?_

It didn't help much, but the fact I had the whole Team on board and that a bigger drama was happening in the back kept me conscious.

_You have to save Fulbright's daughter. You have to save your Team._

I gritted my teeth as I changed the altitude. The bird slid a few feet down.

"I wish I could help you somehow," I heard Face saying.

"S'okay, Faceman. Need nothin' special right now. Maybe piña colada and some white sand beach would be nice but it can wait. Just be here with me, muchacho and it will be fine."

He nodded, probably thinking I needed him in case my left hand stopped moving. But I meant it differently. I needed HIM.

Because he was somewhere away more often, replaced by his hidden personality, alter ego or God knows who he was. The difference wasn't too big, many people wouldn't even notice. But we all saw it. What is seen cannot be unseen.

Although it was fine now. Since we arrived in 'Nam, he had been a hundred percent here. All the bad memories this place evoked seemed to keep him in place. With us. And I wanted it to stay that way. For myself, because I needed my best friend. For him, because he was terrified and depressed. For Hannibal, who was unhappy and worried about what was wrong with his 'kid'. For BA, who had a problem admiting the possibility of anything strange or supernatural, and this situation ruined his nerves. For all of us. But mainly for him, because his despair was tearing our team apart.

_Stay here, Face and I'll be able to fly with dozen bullets in my back and still sing my favorite song._

I wondered if he had made the similar prayers when he found me insane at the VA hospital. When it was me who was somewhere away and he was trying to bring me back and keep me in reality. I didn't remember, but it was very likely. Because it was him who had pulled me out of the black darkness in which I had hidden myself.

I knew very little about those dark days, but once Hannibal told me that Face had visited me almost every week. Well, BA had also wanted to see me, but Big Guy had been too striking at the time they were a fresh attraction. I honestly didn't know where I would had ended without Face's support. Without him.

_With this I'm begging you to stay here, Face. Just stay with us. Stay with me._

"Please, Murdock, stay with me!"

Someone shook my knee and the helicopter jumped as I inadvertently pressed the left pedal.

The pain struck me with new strength and I quickly opened my eyes.

"I'm here, muchacho," I gasped through clenched teeth concentrating on the helicopter control.

"Good." He nodded, but kept watching me carefully. Unnecessary worry, I was okay. Almost.

I managed to land in a spot Hannibal chose on the map. Before I could move, Face was suddenly at my door offering me a hand. I felt a little dizzy so I willingly accepted it.

The moment our fingers touched, the world shook and I saw a shadow figure behind him. A silhouette of a man exactly copying Face's movements. My knees were suddenly weak, I cried out and collapsed in Face's arms. The shadow merged with his body as the velvet darkness swallowed my mind. I passed out.

***

I sat down on the couch looking around the living room. It was a really nice condo Face and Hannibal had found for themselves, but it surprised me a little. It wasn't a grand villa in a luxurious quarter, nor a tasteful modern apartment in some high-rise building, which Face usually prefered. This place had a homely atmosphere, a quiet neighborhood and lots of greenery around. The nearby park invited to get a dog and play fetch with that furry fella there.

I could imagine Hannibal living here. Even with his Jazz he didn't have to live in a big city. He could find some adventure and adrenaline rush everywhere. But Faceman? He needed to be at the center of the action, within reach of shops, galleries and all the fun of the big living city. Or at least he used to be. Times had changed. They were no longer fugitives. Like I was no longer insane. Probably after all we went through – the war, their life on the run, Stockwell's golden cage – Face longed for a quiet and peaceful place. Or Hannibal had a good influence on him.

"One or two sugars, Murdock?" Hannibal called from the kitchen.

"Three, please," I called back. I knew I shouldn't take so much sugar but I couldn't help myself, I loved extremely sweet coffee.

"Want some milk in it?"

"Yeah, Colonel."

That sounded a little weird. No more army. No shooting, training, or ranks. And the idea of the honoured colonel making coffee for an ordinary captain was funny. But I didn't laugh. In my eyes, he was still a respected commanding officer. He would always be.

"Murdock?"

I lifted my head from the magazine I was absently browsing through and looked at Face entering the room. His longer and somehow darker hair was combed and slicked back and he wore a black shirt and blue jeans. It had been becoming commonplace lately - more jeans, less suits. I thought, it also had something to do with his more relaxed condition. He came to me and held out his hand. It was holding something.

"I found this in my stuff. I guess it belongs to you. I had to accidentally take it when we were leaving Langley."

I was shocked. It wasn't the gold watch that hit me. It was Face. He didn't remember.

It hadn't been long since we had a fight for this watch and he won (honestly, I let him win but he didn't know it) and now he didn't remember. How could he forget?

This had to be an innocent and awkward guise to give me the watch from my grandfather back. Definitely, this had to be… I rose my head again and met his eyes. No. He wasn't kidding. He wasn't even pretending anything. His expression was clear serious, and a little worried right now.

"Murdock? Are you okay, buddy?"

_No, I'm not. And you're not either._

I gasped for breath and the watch was dropped to the ground. I didn't care. I had to get out.

"Murdock?" Face said louder trying to touch my arm, but I jumped out of couch, shoved him away and ran toward the door.

"What's going on, kid? Where's Murdock going?" Hannibal appeared with a tray of three cups of coffee and a plate of biscuits and with a big question mark in his eyes. I didn't stop. Instead I burst out of the condo and before the door slammed shut behind me, I could hear the confused answer. "Don't know. He's suddenly acting crazy."

_No, I'm not! You're acting crazy, Faceman! You've been doing it for very long time! I just don't know how to handle it. How to handle you!_

Running down the street, I tried to escape from fear, disappointment and above all, hard reality where Face was the crazy one, not me.

Or was my head showing me wrong images again? No, it couldn't be. I remembered that day. Something like that couldn't be forgotten. I remembered the pain and the worry…

~

_I can't believe it. I really can't believe Face is leaving us. And I'm just standing here and watching him walk away. It's wrong. It's terribly wrong! It couldn't be him who made this decision. Yes, I know. He has left us once. And we all know he wants a different life. A better life._ _So yes, we could expect him to do it again. But I know him. I remember what condition he was after the mess with the false pardon he had gotten._

_When the VA orderlies dragged Face away instead of me, Hannibal decided we would let him spend one night in the hospital. It was a kind of little punishment. And the next day when I returned voluntarily to the VA to swap the place with him, we found our lieutenant in a pretty bad shape._ _Well, he was trying to keep his mask and pretend he didn't care if he was still a part of the Team. But I could read dread and silent plea in his eyes. Those two ponds of dark blue mystery begged Hannibal for a new chance. And a forgiveness. There was a big and evil world out there and he found out for himself. Not for the first time, actually. He really wanted to go back._

_So why does he want to leave now? Hoping to remind him that he belongs to us, I gave him the most precious thing I had. The watch from my grandfather. A family monument…_

~

Did he got it? Later I found out he did. That's why I let him win. I wanted him to keep my watch. Keep the idea that he had his family. But he forgot. He forgot it all!

The desperate cry left my mouth as I was dashing down the street without thinking, eyes filled with tears, blind and unseeing. I was almost hit by the car but I kept racing.

I was running away from the thought that Face, my bestest friend I used to know was lost.

***

Sitting on a small sun-warmed rock, I was watching the waves licking the light sand. This was a quiet part of the beach, hidden behind a reef and too far away for most of the typical beach visitors. Face showed me this place a long long time ago; at the time when I wasn't exactly myself but Face was definitely Face. The good ol' days.

I missed them. I missed lots of things. The peaceful and unchanging days in the VA interwoven with the occasional crazy adventures and more frequent insanity. I missed all the fun of those escapes from my locked barred room, the chases in cars or helicopters and all the adrenaline produced during running for life (or teasing BA). It was dangerous and it could have ended in the death of any of us but I missed it anyway. All the risk made me sure I was alive.

I missed the Jazz that seemed to have disappeared with Hannibal. A part of me had died together with the Colonel. It was about two months ago and I knew I would never be able to fix the hole he had left in my heart. He had been filling the empty space left by my mother and grandparents but now there was no one to mend the tangible emptiness.

But most of all, I missed Face. And it was a paradox because he was still here. But he wasn't here. Not really.

Minor schizophrenic strokes which had been only occasional events came more and more often and his mind was slipping away right under our hands. I had tried to talk about it twice when I was sure he was still himself but no success. He had refused to talk, just uttered something about some other Face. I hadn't understood and because it had seemed the topic was very uncomfortable to him I hadn't ask. Been crazy myself, I had no right to judge anyone else.

Now, I regreted I hadn't searched the truth. Maybe if we had known more about that problem, we could have kept him here. Or… well, maybe not.

I had offered him to arrange a session with Dr. Richter once, but he had refused it too. And now, it was too late. Face was no longer our Face. He still looked the same and his behavior hadn't changed so much, but as a longtime close friend I sensed some big differences. We had lived close to each other for so long that I could see it clearly and purely. We all saw it. But we didn't talk about it. We just lived with it. Except for Hannibal, of course.

The reminder of his death made my eyes burn. Hugging my legs, I put my chin on the knees and let my mind wander the ocean, the waves rocking it and relieving its pain. This Face probably didn't know this small piece of paradise existed, although he might have a hidden image of it somewhere in his (their shared?) mind. Because sometimes, he knew things he couldn't know but didn't remember what he should remember. Or he had a kind of dim memories but admited he didn't know where (or from when) they came from. Gosh, it gave me a headache when I thought about it so hard.

_Stop thinking, muchacho or your crazy head's gonna burst like a soap bubble. It's likely that he no longer knows this (his favorite) beach but take it as a small gift from him. From Face whom you met in 'Nam and with whom you spent the worst and the best moments of your life. It's your favorite place now._

__

And it was. Because here, I could be with him once more. Even though, it was only in my memory.

It was getting dark when I came to Face's condo. Since Hannibal's death, I had lived with him. I didn't want him to stay alone. At least the first few hardest months.

I found him sleeping on the couch. He had slept a lot lately; the psychic exhaustion caused by stress, depression and despair. I knew it. Knew it too well.

There was a black and white movie on television, probably something what Hannibal had liked. Face had to fall asleep while he was watching it. I made a step to the living room to switch TV off but then I stopped. He was a light sleeper, it was too easy to wake him up. Whether our Face or someone else, he was constantly on the alert, any time ready to fight or run. He had to be with our past way of life, and it was a hard habit to break.

I leaned against the door frame and watched him for a while. Even in the dusky evening light, I could see his skin was more bronzed than it used to be. Sunbathing or just relaxing on the sun became one of his new hobbies. Never seen him doing that before. Face rarely relaxed, not this way. He was too restless and worried to just lay alone on the beach or on the balcony. Not in LA. But last years… this was one of the things that had changed. It could be the result of an easier way of life, most of the fear and worry was dropped out with our pardons. But I knew better. It was him. Calmer and more equable. He was more able to adapt to anything and was more submissive. Not as bad, right?

But I missed his complaints. Pacing around the room with long monologue about why everything was wrong. I missed how he had pulled faces and argued with us. And I was sure Hannibal had missed it too. He would have never admited it, but I could read from his barracuda smile, he had enjoyed teasing Face. He had never been a bad person, he had just provoked his lieutenant. And Face had returned it to him willingly. It had been a showdown all the time and quite fun to watch it.

With a sigh, I headed for the kitchen to make some sandwiches. I wasn't hungry, but I needed to get something into my stomach. And into Face's too.

_I need to keep you here, Face. Or your body at least. For the better days._

Because I believed there would be some better days ahead.

***

I sipped my beer and looked at the setting sun through the golden liquid. It was Tuesday night and I was sitting on the balcony of Face's condo. We met almost regularly these days, once per two weeks usually. Sometimes, we went to our favorite bar or for a movie, but most often we just sat on his balcony, drank a few beers and discussed the news of our lives. It was like the good old days, but it was different. The life was different. Actually, everything was different. But I got used to it.

I finished my beer and put the glass on the floor next to my chair. Thinking, old Face wouldn't have let me do this, I put my feet on the table, the ankles crossed. Oh yeah, he had been mad anytime I did it. He had usually slapped my feet down yelling that the coffee table was made from ebony or glass or some other expensive or fragile materials and I was a piece of stupid ignorant with no capacity to appreciate nice things. It was a kind of game. Next time, I did it again just wanting to drive him nuts. But the game was over, this Face didn't mind. The world had moved and I had to go with it.

I reached into my pocket.

"Look at him," I said as I handed Face a photo I received with a letter from Chicago a few days ago. "Laurence looks like a little version of BA. Big Guy made a good job."

Face chuckled and looked closely at the photograph of BA's son. "Yeah, he's a really cute boy."

"And look at this, he wants me to join his birthday party," I said proudly, handing Face an invitation card written by crayons. The colored letters were big and shaky and I could swear BA had helped his son to write them, but it was the best invitation I ever got.

"So sweet," Face smiled and gave me the card back. "You shouldn't miss it, buddy."

"Yeah, I know. And I only have a month to get some gifts."

"Oh, come on. I bet you already have at least three."

"Four. But they're small. I need something very special, ya know. It's his fifth birthday, a very important jubilee."

Face laughed and I grinned innocently. I really liked that little boy and was proud he wanted me around on his big day.

Every visit to Chicago was funnier and BA was surely beginning to regret having made me Laurence's godfather. I couldn't be more surprised and honored when Big Guy asked me. I'd never expected he would choose a crazy fool for such an important function. He had to trusted me more than I thought. With this in mind I enjoyed every moment with his family.

I always dreamed to have some kids. One boy and one girl. And then another boy and girl, twins maybe. But with each past year, I felt this dream move away.

Face probably read those feelings from my face because he asked.

"What about you? When will you finally settle down, fly boy?"

"Oh, you know me; still crazy, still free." I answered vaguely. This wasn't the most pleasant subject for an aging balding crazy man.

"I thought your relationship with Lucy Lou was getting more serious." It was more a question than a statement. An unwitting grunt escaped my mouth. Face raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Something wrong?"

"We broke up two weeks ago." I replied unwillingly. I had learned to trust Face again and share most of my life with him, but there were things I didn't want to discuss with him.

"Oh… I'm sorry, Murdock."

"Don't be. It was me who ended it." I said without thinking. _Damn. You crazy fool! Now, you'll have to talk about it._

"Why? I thought you liked her. You were a nice couple."

"I did like her. That's why I had to go away."

He was waiting for a more precise explanation and when he didn't get it, he said. "She wasn't the right one, was she?"

I just shook my head. No, she wasn't.

"Don't worry, the right one is waiting for you somewhere," he smiled at me and reached out to pat my shoulder encouragingly.

I smiled back, but only because I didn't want him to continue this topic. I knew the right one wasn't waiting. I had already met her and lost my chance with her. I was sure, Kelly was the right one. She was so nice and sweet and patient… but we had met at the wrong time. I had been tied up with the Team, that meant more to me than anything else in the world, and I couldn't have left the hospital either. I hadn't wanted her to wait for me because it could have been very long waiting with no guarantee that we could ever be together.

In an effort to change the subject, I turned it to him.

"What about you? Is there anyone who could steal your heart?"

"No. To be honest, I'm happy with how things are going right now. You know, nobody spoils my plans. There is no mess in the kitchen or bathroom. No one touches and takes my stuff… yeah, it's good like that, really."

He was lying. But he didn't lie to me. He lied to himself. Face tried to convince himself that he was happy and satisfied with his single life. And I didn't try to talk him out of it. It would be different with our good old Face because he had hated to be alone. Actually, it had been his worst nightmare. But it had changed with his new personality. He couldn't be scared of staying alone because he was already alone. I sensed, he felt that way before Hannibal's death, and this feeling was still there. It probably would be forever and only God knew why.

I stayed quiet sinking deeper into my thoughts. Our old Face had been gone for many years already. Sometimes, I was wondering if it would have helped if I dragged him to the VA and asked the staff for help. If they could return his old self to him. But even if they didn't lock me in a padded room like a totally nut, I guessed no pills, no shots, no electric shocks could bring our Face back. I was afraid his old personality just quit existing.

I didn't know if he had evaporated or faded or just disappeared, but he wasn't here anymore. And since Hannibal's death, I began to think it was good this all shit had happened. Because our old Face wouldn't make it. He simply couldn't have lived without Hannibal. I sighed.

So, here we were. Me, sane and capable of taking care of himself (only on papers because I was still crazy as a Mexican rabbit) and him, my best friend, whom I was learning to know again.

"One more?"

My thoughts were interrupted by a warm question. I nodded in agreement and handed Face my empty glass. This hadn't changed. He kept drinking beer from glass instead of can. With a slight smile, I watched him walk into the kitchen.

***

I put down my latest comic book and reached for a bottle of soda. My eyes turned to the window and focused on the grey sky. It looked heavy and somehow sad. As if nothing good was waiting ahead. Crazy weather. I honestly couldn't wait to be in Chicago. But traveling by train was so slow for a pilot. Normally, I would have traveled by plane but there had been a snowstorm and strong wind around Chicago for days and most flights were diverted.

If I had my own plane, it would be easier. I had asked Face to see if he could scam a plane for me but he had refused to do it. He had said it was too dangerous. Maybe. But I wasn't afraid of any storms. For someone who once flew through the fire in 'Nam and was the pilot of the legendary A-Team, some ordinary storm was a piece of cake. The wind was slowing down anyway.

Getting bored of the scenery running along the train, I growled and picked up the unfinished comic.

I never finished it. A few minutes later, I had to get off at a small train station somewhere in Illinois to change to another train and I didn't get a chance to continue reading.

_I definitely have to get my own plane._ I had said this to myself for fifth time that day. A little nice Cessna would be great, perfect for me to travel around.

Thanks to Face's help, I got my license back, though it wasn't enough to get a serious job. As long as Hannibal was alive, I could fly like a stunt pilot, but with the loss of the Colonel, I lost contacts with the movie world and the opportunity to fly for money too. If I had my own plane, I could work for myself. And I wouldn't be stuck at that train station in the middle of nowhere.

I muffled myself up in my old flight jacket wondering about another cup of coffee. Good sweet hot coffee… I already had two in the morning and that was my limit. But the wind was cold and my worn jacket couldn't keep me warm enough. Maybe I should finally buy a new one.

But I'd rather have the plane. Or a hang glider at least. The strong wind could blow me off to Chicago. Except that it was blowing in the wrong direction.

I cursed under my breath, leaned against a tall lamp standing on the edge of the platform and closed my eyes.

It would be more sensible to hole up in a small station building, but it was crowded and I felt I needed fresh air. It was unpleasantly and humid outside, the grey sky promised freezing rain or snow, but I could breathe better here. The anxiety, I felt since early morning, was pressing my chest increasingly, not giving me enough oxygen. My mental condition had never been much stable, but I finally managed to live most of the time without serious fluctuations and with no medication. Today, I had to think about a small bottle tucked somewhere in the bottom of my duffel bag. Those tiny white pills could make the tension inside of me dissolve. But I didn't want to take them until it was absolutely necessary. It hadn't been so bad yet. Anyway, the train was behind it. Not that I didn't like trains, but it wasn't my favorite kind of transport. I remember my first train journey, it was a few days after my mother's death, and somehow the unhappy memory remained in my mind. It kept whispering in the regular rumbling of the wheels of every train and I couldn't turn it off.

Flying was better. Flying was more fun. Flying was… safer, I could have thought. But I had no time to do it. My ears were filled with a long screech of blocked wheels, the screams of people, rattling and roaring… I opened my eyes and the last thing I saw was the grinning face of the locomotive rushing uncontrollably into a small station. Toward me…

Silence. There was silence and peace around. I didn't feel any cold. I didn't feel any tense. I could only see the reddish light as the sun shone through my closed eyelids. Was I at home? Was that damn journey by train just a dream? If so, what happened at the end? I got a feeling, it was important, but I didn't remember, I… wait a minute. There was a small train station somewhere… there was… no. This was a blank memory. I probably woke up too early.

My eyes fluttered open, squinting slightly from the brightness filling the room. The very unfamiliar room.

I blinked and looked around in confusion. I stood in the middle of the large room in a very modern furnished apartment. There was a huge window in front of me, and I could see the ocean and the clear blue sky through it. It was a beautiful sunny day outside.

I moved closer to find out where I was. Oh… the view was breathtaking. Could I be in Palos Verdes? Face had scammed a house in Palos Verdes once. He had lived there almost four months. Oh Lord, never seen such a luxurous place! I still remember the huge tub in the bathroom. It was like a pool, I had never taken a bath without my snorkel and swimming fins. Face hadn't been happy because the room looked as if there was a dolphin show any time I used it, but I didn't dare to climb the tub without some equipment. Better safe than sorry, ya know.

And my dog Billy had loved the big terrace. He had enjoyed running and playing there and made Faceman very nervous. That tidy guy had looked always worried when Billy was around. Face had been…

"Oh boy…"

It was just a low whisper and I would probably have missed it, consider that unexpected sound to be just a delusion. But it was followed by a loud crack, and I turned sharply.

There was a man standing in the doorway, staring wide-eyed at me with his mouth open. A shattered mug originally filled with coffee lay at his feet in a brown pool and the man's beige pants were decorated with dark brown splatters.

"Oh boy. You are here. You can't be… oh boy…" Still a very quiet voice, as if the man didn't believe what he was seeing.

I wasn't surprised. I would also be startled to see a weird stranger in my living room.

"Uh, I'm sorry, muchacho. Sounds funny, but I have no idea what I'm doing here. I just found myself in this room and…" He moved hesitantly toward me, a few shards crackled under his polished shoes. Well, they were polished. Before they came into the direct contact with the unplanned coffee shower. Ignoring the crackle, he made another step forward. I raised my hands to prove that I was unarmed and at the mercy of his judgment. "Hey, I think we can make it with no drama here. I'll just go and we can pretend this never happened. But don't tell my doc, I'm not sure if he-"

"Murdock? Is it really you?"

"Uhmm…?" I narrowed my eyes, deeply thinking. No. Never seen this man. "You know me? How do you know me? Who are you? Where am I? Why-"

"Murdock!" He cut me off and something in his tone was familiar. "Yes, I know you. I've known you for a long time."

"No, you haven't. You can't know me because even I don't know me. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've never met ya." It was getting pretty weird. I made two steps back, but he stepped closer again.

"Murdock, I am… I… uhm…" He ran a hand through his hair. I could almost see the wheels spinning frantically in his head. What was he thinking so hard about? "Did you come with Billy? I remember, you had a dog. Is he with you?"

"What?" I gulped. "How do you know about Billy? Who told you about Billy? Here's no Billy, why are you talking about him?"

That man was confusing me. Who the hell was he? What was he doing here? Uhmm, no. What was I doing here? It seemed like after a very long time, I needed my pills.

"Okay, listen to me," he walked over to me and I realized I had nowhere to step back. There was only that huge window behind me. It was closed. And given the height we were in, it wouldn't be a good idea to choose it as an exit. "I know you and Billy, because I'm Face."

_This must be a trap!_

Maybe it was all only a dream. Stockwell, the pardons, Hannibal's death, everything! And I just woke up and some slimeballs were trying to confuse me. Tricked me to get to my Team. But it wouldn't work, pal.

"Who's Face? I don't know watcha talking 'bout?"

He whined, threw his hands up impatiently, and turned his back on me _. It wasn't very smart, Master,_ I grinned to myself. He began to pace nervously around the room.

I tried to move unnoticed to the nearest door, but he suddenly turned around and pointed his finger at me.

"I know something nobody else knows! Only Face and you! You dated one of the VA nurses for few months. Nobody knew, because it would have gotten her in trouble and that's why you ended that relationship. You told me about her when I came to spring you for a free weekend and you refused to leave the hospital. Because of her. I also bought you a birthday present for her. A silver chain with a small cat pendant. She loved cats, she had three at home. I don't remember all their names, but one of them was named Captain. After you."

Now, it was me who was staring with a mouth wide open. He couldn't know that. Nobody could! Only… Face. But he wasn't Face, he couldn't be, really!

My brain was running idle, unable to catch any useful thought. The man took advantage of my shock and walked back to me. I couldn't move. Looking at me with inexplicable tenderness, he whispered, "Hold me until dawn."

I nearly collapsed. My head was suddenly filled with humid darkness and suffocating smell of the jungle. I was back in 'Nam. Back in the dusty trench where I had to spend a night after my helicopter was shot down. Face was there with me. Face held me in his arms because… because I begged for it. _Hold me until dawn…_ And he did it.

I looked straight into the man's eyes, looking for a friend of mine, whom I lost a long time ago, even though I spoke to him a few days ago. And I found him. In those unfamiliar bright blue eyes, I saw…

"F-Face?" I said in a weak voice.

"Yeah, it's me," he nodded with a goofy smile that would fit more on my own face. But my shocked body refused to obey me. Instead of a smile, my lips were pressed together in uncontrollable spasm, and I burst into tears.

"Murdock! Please, don't cry!" He held out his arms to embrace me, but I jerked away.

"No, don't touch!" It wasn't like I didn't want Face to hug me, but… despite what I saw in those eyes, this was a stranger. Plus, I was scared. I was worried it was a dream I'd wake up from with a mere touch. And I didn't want to wake up. Not before I would find out what exactly was going on here.

He looked hurt, I quickly shook my head saying, "I'm sorry, I just… need some time to work it out."

"Oh… yes, sure." He moved back a little.

I looked at him carefully, searching for any familiar marks, anything I could recognize. "Who… who exactly are you? How did you get here?"

He shrugged, his shoulders heavy under the weight of the odd situation. "I don't know. I just got here. I guess I'm the other Faceman."

"What other? Can't be two Faces here."

"No, not here. But if I'm right, the other one is where I came from. Where we both, you and me, belong. But… what are you doing here, anyway? What happened there?"

"Dunno. I don't remember." That was true. I vaguely remembered a journey. A train. The bad weather. A noise. And… nothing more. Trying to squeeze out as much of my memory as I could, I suddenly began to feel dizzy. It was just a slight touch of vertigo, but Face's(?) expression told me he noticed

"Murdock?"

"I'm okay," I waved absently my hand. Needed to think about this mess. Because this was weird. This was all incredibly weird. But as a long-term resident of the psych ward, hadn't I seen many crazier things?

I dove deeper into my thoughts and realized this actually made sense. Face (or just his personality), who disappeared from our world, had to live somewhere else, of course. Because another Face lived in our world. All those years when Hannibal and BA and me tried to get used to different Faceman, our Face was here; lonesome and alone without his Team in a strange world! Oh God!

"Face!" I blurted. It had to startle him because he almost jump. "We gotta get you back!"

He shook his head slightly. It was a lenient patient gesture. "You really think I would stay here if I knew the way back?"

I bit my lip. _Why Hannibal ain't here? Need some of his crazy plans right now. He always had a plan, no matter what mess we were in._

But Hannibal was dead. Dammit!

I needed to concentrate, but something distracted me. Face was staring at me. He thought I was crazy. But it was okay because I was really crazy and we all knew this little fact about me. If I weren't crazy, I'd probably not believe him and wouldn't recognize Face's personality in this stranger. No, it was something else that tore my attention. A pain throbbing inside my head. Well, it wasn't exactly the pain. It was a kind of pressure. The urge that dragged me away _. No! I have to stay here, I have to figure out how to get Face back!_

"Murdock?" Face's uncertain voice.

"Shhh, Faceman, I'm thinking," I hushed him rubbing my temples.

"Murdock, you look too pale," he said with greater certainty.

"S'okay. Haven't been outsider much last months." Something was tickling my chin, I automatically ran my hand over it. Some blood clung to my fingers. Not much. I had to bit my lip more than I felt. It was odd because I didn't feel it. Felt nothing, only the pressure urging me to get out of here, save myself before… before what? _Okay, muchacho, who do you want to fool? That blood ain't from your lip._ But from where then? Was I-

"Murdock, you have to go back to your reality." Face's voice became urgent. Just like the pressure inside my head.

"No, I don't want to! Not without you!" Even a simple thought about leaving him hurt me more than the headache. I just couldn't let him be here alone.

"I'm stuck here, I can't leave. But you have to. I don't know what's going on where you are right now but here, you ain't looking good. And I got a pretty sick feeling about it. Go back, please. Before something bad happens."

"Something bad already happened, Face. Lots of bad things. There's no world I'd like to go back." It was true. Maybe it should scare me or make me sad, but… it didn't.

"Aww, don't say that, Murdock. Where is the motto 'we don't leave anyone behind', huh? Maybe I'm no longer part of our Team but there is the other Face, right? And you surely don't want to tear up the A-Team, do you?"

"There's no A-Team anymore, Face. I couldn't understand but now, everything is clear like a morning sky. You're here lost in somebody else's body. Hannibal is dead and…" It burst out of me before I even could realize what I was going to say.

"Hannibal's dead?!" He looked so dismayed. _You stupid fool, you shouldn't have said that!_

"Yes," I confirmed unwillingly.

Face stepped back a little, as if afraid I would throw the bad news on him like a baseball. "How?" he asked quietly.

I shoved my hands in my pants pockets, feeling uncomfortable. "It was pretty quick. At one moment he was talking to you… uhm… to other Face and in another minute he was gone. He fell dead on the kitchen floor of your condo."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." I could see he paled, his eyes filled with tears. He blinked them back and said, "So no heroism? No sacrifice?"

"No," I shook my head.

"Poor Hannibal." He pressed his hand against his belly. It was like a blow to my head and I felt I was near to tears again. I haven't seen this familiar and typical Faceman's gesture for years. I didn't even realize when he had stopped doing it. But right now it hit me. This was real genuine Face.

He gently stroked his cashmere sweater and then, his face showed a faint sad smile. "He always dreamed of a pompous death. Something spectacular, you know. About the death that would have a purpose. But this…" Face sniffed wiping his eyes inconspicuously.

"Yeah, I know." It was all what I could say.

"I wish I could be there for him," he whispered. I believed the words. And I also believed that if he was there, Hannibal would still be alive.

His death was so sudden and unexpected… a healthy person in his age and good condition just wouldn't fall dead to the ground. I knew he had been worried. He had been worried about Face because he had felt something was damn wrong. He had done everything to make Face feel good but just like me he had sensed his ‚kid‘ was unhappy. And now I could understand why. Face was unhappy because it wasn't Face. It really wasn't our Face. And knowing he couldn't have given his loved one what he needed or wanted, it had killed Hannibal. But I couldn't say this out loud. I couldn't hurt my best friend even more.

"Face," I started but the sentence remained unfinished. As I moved to him, the world suddenly swung and made me feel dizzy again.

"Murdock!" He yelped with concern and held out his hands to catch me. His fingers caught only the air.

"I'm okay." I raised my hands in 'I'm fine' gesture although I felt somewhat light-headed. The headache was gone, but the pressure was now pulsing through my whole body.

"Murdock, you really have to go back." He was pleading, but I shook my head.

"No, Face. When my best friend is here I have no one to come back to."

"What about BA? Is he… is he alright?" The fear over the idea that even BA could be dead, was reflecting in his wide eyes.

"Yes, he is. But he never been afraid of being alone. Not like you. And he has his momma. And his son. Didn't I tell you? He has a son, a little sweet boy. I was just traveling to Chicago to his birthday party and…"

"Murdock!" It sounded impatient, frustrated.

"He doesn't need a crazy fool like me, Face." I was sure BA could live without me. Big Guy was strong. The strongest of all of us. And little Laurence was at the beginning of his life. He would have a lot of friends and uncles, wouldn't even remember the old jabbering pilot soon.

"I don't need you either. I have new Murdock here." Face tried to say it hard with his typical scam mask. But even when I was looking into those strange bright blue eyes, I could tell it wasn't true. He could con anyone, except his Team and no matter, whose body he was using.

"No, Face," I shook my head with a slight amusement, "I'm not buying this. Try it again."

"Okay, I need you. But I need you to be there. I need to know you are fine and happy, doing all those crazy things you've always done."

"But I can't be fine and happy there when I know you're here. Let me live with you, please." As I held out a hand to him, I saw it began to fade lightly. He saw it too.

"You're only a ghost. You can't live here without your body, Murdock. Please, go back."

His desperate gaze was tearing my heart open. I'd rather die than go back to where Face wasn't Face. I couldn't live knowing our Faceman would be forever alone.

With no word, I moved closer and took him to my arms. I knew he was only hugging the air but I felt him. The fine cashmere, his warm body trembling under my hands… my nose was filled with the familiar scent. Yes, I embraced the body of someone I didn't know but the aroma was Face's. Under the aftershave, I could smell vanilla from his favorite hair cosmetics. It was for women but he used it sometimes to make his hair extra shiny. And there was also his own scent, so familiar, so nice, so safe… The tears were finally running down my cheeks.

"Please, Murdock. Go home," he whispered into my ear.

_No. I can never leave you, Facey-guy._

I pulled away a little to look into his eyes. They weren't blue for a moment. They were grey-blue, they were the eyes I knew. This was my home, right here.

With a feeling of love and gratitude, I leaned forward to kiss his forehead. My lips never touched him. My body passed through him and I was falling into-

…

…

…

nothing.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> What I can say at the end... honestly, I never planned to write about the movie characters because I'm a fan only of the TV A-Team, but I had to get this off my head, so I touched the movie a little (but really very little). Because when I read Rainbow, I felt frustrated and depressed. That story soaked deep into my mind and I had to think about it for a long time.  
> It was a powerful and unsettling fanfiction and there was an interesting idea; but only one point of view. So I accepted the challenge from Spot_On60 to write TV Murdock's POV. It was a difficult job, mentally and emotionally. But I enjoyed it. And I must admit, I already have some sad stories behind me but I think I've never written anything so depressing.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading this one. And big thanks to Spot_On60 for the inspiration and the idea. I hope I didn't disgrace your great story.


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